Feeling better...

So, I am feeling a bit better. I weighed in 5 lbs. lighter at the gym today than when I started this week. So there's some progress.

I really wish I could start getting overtime at work. I didn't realize it'd take this long. I want to get going with it. Those weeks of training that I had were really pointless for me. They should have focused on what I'm actually DOING in my job. They could've got me up to speed with plenty of practice and I could be doing more to help. They've just added on some more complicated stuff the last couple of days. It's not too bad. I'll be a pro by the end of the week ;-)

I'm a little worried about my goals for this year. It just seems like money is always going to be scarce and I'm going to be poor forever. This CPA license is EVERYTHING to insuring that doesn't happen. Without it I'm always going to be earning $30-40k. With it, I could feasibly reach $100k...at least $75k. I could have a home of my own, and be able to actually have a life....

Life is hard...

I've been feeling pretty depressed lately. I don't know why. Just sad...lonely. I'm trying to keep myself as busy as possible...but it doesn't seem to be helping. I'm hoping that getting back in shape will help. I'm starting at the gym this week again...I want to lose 50 lbs. I'm really going to have to get in shape. I will feel better once I look good again.
So let's get started! Besides my physical self, I'm working on my CPA study and reading. I used to read a lot and I think it would benefit me if I became at least familiar with the classics. I'm very curious about history, especially European...which I guess stems from my mission.

Bottom line is I will feel better once I look good, have a great job (not just a good one), and have my own home.

Lots and lots of snow...

We got about a foot of snow this weekend, which prevented me from spending time with Ash. It will be a lot of fun driving to work tomorrow. So I have made a list of things to do with my life since it looks like it will be spent alone (well, besides Ash). I want to keep myself busy...

So, I have decided that over the next year I'll keep myself busy with the gym, CPA studying and work. I want to start reading more, and I'm starting with classical Greece. I finished the Odyssey and I'm working through the Illiad. There are a few other books there I want to read before moving on to Latin literature. I figure I'll start in the past and move forward. I'm not only going to study literature, but also history, geography, and I want to start travelling a lot when I have my financial situation in a good position.

I'm really looking forward to getting my own house, and fixing it up. That's one thing good about not being married...you can kinda do what you want without having to hear someone complain about your ideas. Well, maybe that was just the way my last marriage was...

Progress

Ok, so I have discovered there aren't enough hours in the day to get everything done. I have 3 goals this year: get through the CPA, pay off as much debt as possible, and get down to 210 lbs. In order to do this I have decided to study 3 hours/night during the week, work 2 hours of OT M-F, and going to the gym in the morning 4 days a week.

So, this will require me to get up at 4:30 am, be at the gym by 5:30, get to work by 8:15, work until 7:15, and then study 3 hours that evening...which would take me until about 11 pm. Go to sleep and repeat. Ugh....

My studying is going well. I am planning to take my next test April 17th and the rigorous study schedule should get me through.

My debt situation is getting better. In fact, I could everything paid off by the end of this year except for my student loans. This would put me in a great position to buy a house next year!

As for my workouts...ugh. I lost 50 pounds after the separation/divorce...and i've gained about 35 of that back. If I can get into the gym 4 days a week, with 90 minute workouts I should have no problem getting my weight down. I am so sick of being overweight!!!

Utter chaos....

It is January 2010. It has been 3 years since my marriage ended. A lot of good things have happened since: I finished a 2nd college degree, I've got a good job, and the depression I felt during my marriage is gone. So I feel good about life, even though things are far from perfect. I do feel there is a bright light in the future.

However, I am very confused right now. I'm at a fork in the road, and am not sure exactly what it is that I want from life. 12 years ago I came home from my mission, and wanted to get through college, get married, have a family, and that was that. Now....I want more. I don't want my life to be: birth, school, work, die. And that's the way it feels like it's going. I want adventure. I want excitement...

So...I'm not sure what I want. The more I think about it, the more it feels like marriage would only push me along that path more. Maybe I'm just worried because I lost so much time in my first marriage. It's true that it was nothing but bad for me, other than having Ashleigh.

What do I do? Living alone has its advantages: the freedom to do what I want without asking permission, the freedom to live how I want....it's all about FREEDOM! Right now marriage feels like I would be losing freedom. It's a lifestyle that is so restricting. The responsibilities that come with it...you can't just go off whenever you feel like it. So right now I'm leaning towards a life by myself, and pouring everything into making Ashleigh's life everything she wants. And at the same time, I will be able to go out and do things without having to answer to anyone about them. That sounds so good...and it makes marriage just sound so negative.

I still feel guilty about it though. Why? I guess it's just the way I was raised in the church. A person is supposed to get married, have kids, and spend the rest of their lives enjoying their kids and grandkids. I just don't know if that's what I want.