Utter chaos....

It is January 2010. It has been 3 years since my marriage ended. A lot of good things have happened since: I finished a 2nd college degree, I've got a good job, and the depression I felt during my marriage is gone. So I feel good about life, even though things are far from perfect. I do feel there is a bright light in the future.

However, I am very confused right now. I'm at a fork in the road, and am not sure exactly what it is that I want from life. 12 years ago I came home from my mission, and wanted to get through college, get married, have a family, and that was that. Now....I want more. I don't want my life to be: birth, school, work, die. And that's the way it feels like it's going. I want adventure. I want excitement...

So...I'm not sure what I want. The more I think about it, the more it feels like marriage would only push me along that path more. Maybe I'm just worried because I lost so much time in my first marriage. It's true that it was nothing but bad for me, other than having Ashleigh.

What do I do? Living alone has its advantages: the freedom to do what I want without asking permission, the freedom to live how I want....it's all about FREEDOM! Right now marriage feels like I would be losing freedom. It's a lifestyle that is so restricting. The responsibilities that come with it...you can't just go off whenever you feel like it. So right now I'm leaning towards a life by myself, and pouring everything into making Ashleigh's life everything she wants. And at the same time, I will be able to go out and do things without having to answer to anyone about them. That sounds so good...and it makes marriage just sound so negative.

I still feel guilty about it though. Why? I guess it's just the way I was raised in the church. A person is supposed to get married, have kids, and spend the rest of their lives enjoying their kids and grandkids. I just don't know if that's what I want.